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Sat, May. 16th, 2015, 03:40 am

I have sirens announcing my anthem into a screaming volume of nothing. Thanks for the lack of life style, the settlement of "better" I am done with here and "equals" when all that equal takes is a double shot of sweet bitterness and the words it falls upon. I don't have any room in my chambers for bed time stories and words that fall flat when they could speak volumes if only they weren't works of fiction.

Be kind, be true, be honest when only 2% of which had been asked and you are giving me negatives.

Sweet dreams my darling something, we will achieve all of our goals one day... When the journey feels like a calm and steady rise.

Wed, May. 6th, 2015, 03:40 am

My spirit is dulled by the silence of your being. My essence is entangled in the story we tried to create... But we are too realistic and adult to figure out the right way to make happy endings exist. You don't deserve the effort it took to write this entry... Not because someone else said it but because it always felt like something was missing. The second you said it didn't matter I should have known... I will never lose sight of that reference because I was honest with you. I tried my hardest with you... I loved you... So fuck me fo thinking something was going right, and fuck you for ensuring that it was never even a possibility.

No more bed time stories
No more trust where trust isn't earned
No more us. I guess it goes to show eh?

Mon, Apr. 27th, 2015, 02:54 pm
the better parts

It's a constant... A pushing and pulling that comes with you. It's unannounced and tugs at every vain in my body and when it happens there is nothing to do but relax and let it take over. The light is too much, the dark is confusing and when you're not beside me I am constantly left with a feeling of being lost.

I'm waiting for you to come home to me. To fill these gaps within me with something so much more. I want to hear you breathing, I want to watch your chest rise and fall with each of those breaths, and I want to fill your life with better things.

All of the things that I know we both deserve.

Wed, Feb. 29th, 2012, 02:54 am
objectives

Thoughts upon thoughts of things and ideas stacked upon ideas that build logic onto promise that never really seems to happen to any one who works for it. Love stands in between the hope that love will some day come pouring out over mutual conversation and coffee that neither of us actually drinks.

I am writing again.... I am writing a wall of words that i know will hurt both to say out loud and hear. And the worse part is that I'm not even sory for once. I refuse to sit here and take on my feelings that are
1. not earned and,
2. do not deserve as a penelty had antything gone wrong to begin with.
Somehow apathy has been placed in corners while pillars were built in the center of an empty room on the idea that something was possible... that something was strong enough to keep these structures in tact... and yet, so many obsticles.

i can't jump through hoops for this i cant ask you to not hang up the phone without saying i love you but i can hope that you would't want to. I can't tell you not to ignore me when i'm feet in front of you standing next to the last thing you fucked and the last thing i loved without shaking, but i can hope that you feel how uncomfortable i am and know how much i need you... i can only hope that when i have to go home.... that you are the one that wants to make sure that i am safe and not pawning the job off onto someone else... especialy this late in the eavening... i know that i'm not the world... and i dont expect to be, but i would give everything in it to you if you let me....

i wish you thought i deserved the same.

Sat, Aug. 27th, 2011, 10:11 am
and when it hits... there is no good reaction

for the last long enough amount of time i have been conflicted with the idea that anything i want will only make me miserable in the long run. i could lose him and wont sleep i could lose her and won't eat and if i let myself be happy i may or may not convince myself that in the long run i don't deserve it because somehow somewhere along the line...i forgot how much i can give.


until last night.


in the spaces between letters and sentences and words that can easily escape lips to just see if i'm okay... i had the person i've had for 25 yrs.....

and no one else.



i was told that i was loved 3 times in an hr by someone who has barely said those words to me at all.

i was given a long explanation about someone i loved and hurt and why they felt that way and tiny drops of both love and hurt began to stream from my eyes....

and the reason why both of these people are no longer present in my life is because i gave them up for someone who watched me fall apart.... and did nothing...

not even the one thing i asked when i left because i couldn't stand myself any longer.


i used to know what i was doing.... now i'm not so sure

Thu, May. 5th, 2011, 06:57 pm
taking it all...... in the worsed kind of way

my body has never been more angry at itself for being so lazy on foreign territory... and my head is ready to explode with all the hidden little things it wants to say back to be witty, cunning, hurtful, and spiteful even. how did i get to this point. how did one trip push me to being this angry? and why am i still letting it happen for the most part. im going to walk out and enjoy the rest of my day and watch everyone smile and try to join them as much as possible. but from here with this view of the fucking wall... or my lap top... or the pillow... no part of me remembers how to get excited. especially when you've barely even looked at me.

Tue, Apr. 12th, 2011, 07:44 pm

it hurts that every part of me wanted to stay in my shell... And it hurts that you liked what you saw once I didn't. It's hard because i'm not prone to this much emotion at once... And it's harder when it's focus is so far away. I'm exhausted from the memories of you running through my mind. And i'm exhausted from looking for ways to make what I want and option... It's worse when it's determined and it's worse when I don't have a choice.... It kills me even more when I don't have a say. And it kills me to know that this is it. I want more than anything to stay positive and I want more than anything to hold this smile on my face for as long as a broken heart and eyes full of tears will allow... But only part of me is that strong and it's hard from here and i'm exhausted from thinking and it's worse when you hold me but it kills me when you're gone.

I just want...
and want...
and want.... So many things that
hurt and are
hard and i'm
exhausted and it gets
worse until it
kills me to...
want anything more than I can have.... From you...

Tue, Sep. 28th, 2010, 06:29 pm
tiny drops...

the rain today is something beautiful. now, if only i could allow myself to relax long enough to enjoy it things would be perfect. i keep running around, trying to make other people smile as much as i myself want to be, and in the long run i end up there because they they got there. everyone tells you that you have to love yourself completely before you can love someone else... but really it's bringing out the smiles, and the laughter, and the good moments in everyone else that i love about myself. Even when sometimes the things i say are ridiculous, or my actions make me look like an idiot... i like that i can laugh at myself and know that whatever i had just done was worth it to see porcelain teeth show through lips when they curl in the corners and cheeks are raised higher... eyes become slightly more squinted, and little bits of laughter come out as the best thing i've heard in what feels like forever.

except that it's every time.

(the picture that goes with this is priceless... but currently i am at work)

Mon, Sep. 27th, 2010, 12:13 pm
im tired...


little girl dreams of cinderella stories are done. there comes a point in time where you can choose to except that all those happy endings are never going to happen for you because some people just aren't that lucky/deserving. when you get tired of puting in more effort, and you become exhausted from the thought of other people running through your mind that don't care about taking up this much of your rest it's hard to come up with justifications for why you're letting this happen.

potential is the problem...
timing is the problem...
you are the problem...


i give up... i just fucking give up.



he is one of the most amazing men i've ever met. that man has been there for anyone anytime they have ever needed him... and i wish that men were still that way... or that depending on anyone didn't seem like the most horrible thing i could think of. i have low expectations but really high hopes that maybe someday one of these views is going to come out the way i always wanted... like happiness, love, and my grandparents.

te amo raymond... you will be loved, and missed by everyone who has ever had the chance to just shake your hand.

"Take control of the atmosphere
Take me far away from here
There is no better loss than to lose myself in you
In a parachute to glide, I am captive in your sky
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

Take control of the atmosphere
You can take my world you can fill the air
Take control, take control

Such a beautiful surrender

Move me up through the darkest clouds
Till I've lost in the sun every shadow of doubt
There is no better find than to find myself with you
In a fog you are all I see
I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
You can take my world you can fill the air
Take control, take control, take control, take control

Such a beautiful surrender

Take control of the atmosphere
There is no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air
Take control

Such a beautiful surrender
And I'm calling out
Would you take control
And I'm calling out"

Mon, Sep. 20th, 2010, 06:00 pm
it comes in....

it comes in from the right and slowly takes over all the rushes that make way through short breaths and fast heart rates until it's made its way completely into where it was trying to get from the start. there are valves that open and close, organs that collapse only to function when unnecessary, and sometimes i fall with them... even when i don't realize the reason. my head gets full of nonsense and becomes cloudy with illusion. judgment is slightly skewed, common sense is lost, and feeling is the only thing left to do... aside from keeping this song in my head, and those eyes on my mind.

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